Not-quite-liveblog: Carrie Prejean on the Today Show

In case you don’t know, or were lucky enough to forget, Carrie Prejean is the Miss USA contestant who famously revealed herself to be against same-sex marriage (or, as she put it, in favor of “opposite marriage”) in response to gossip blogger Perez Hilton’s question on the subject in the course of the pageant’s Q&A section.

Now she’s written a book (I understand she’s next planning to read one) about her experience just as news of a sex tape from her past is hitting the papers. Of course, this has “Today Show” written all over it.

My not-quite-liveblog of this landmark interview starts after the jump…

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OK, here we go. Don’t forget to follow along with the video, if you can stand it.

0:49 – Perez Hilton, a man whose chose his pseudonym as a sign of his admiration for Paris Hilton, calls Carrie a “dumb bitch.” Apparently, he now thinks that’s a bad thing.

1:03 – “She not only lost the Miss USA crown, but her job as Miss California.” Can someone please contact Webster’s and ask them to send me this new definition of the word “job?” I’m having trouble understanding it in this context.

1:40 – Carrie’s book is called “Still Standing.” Who knew she was an Elton John fan?

1:43 – The book’s cover photo courtesy of Low Angle Photography, LLC: “Our Low Angles Will Subtly Underscore Your High Purpose.” They also did Sarah Palin’s book cover.

1:56 – Carrie says you can call her sex tape “whatever you want to call it,” but it was meant for private use and she was a teenager at the time. OK…I want to call it “child pornography.”

2:47 – Shockingly, Meredith Viera won’t let go of this sex tape thing. She’s like a dog with a completely boring and irrelevant bone. According to Carrie, “A lot of young people can learn from this.” For example, using candlelight instead of fluorescents will help your naked skin look softer and more even.

3:11 – Carrie brings it back to the campaign to try and silence her. Attention, people running this campaign: you suck, because it’s been seven months and this dingbat is still yapping (possible alternate book title?).

Seriously, though, it is appalling just how low these nefarious anti-Carrie forces will sink. I mean, dropping a headline-grabbing sex tape just as she embarks on a national book tour, thereby drawing the attention of the mouth-breathers running the Today Show and ensuring an interview during their most highly rated time slot? Will they stop at nothing to undo her?

3:32 – Carrie gives a wildly rambling answer about the specifics of her lawsuit mediation. Meredith presses the issue, but Carrie stands pat. Her face says “I’m crushing this” but her mouth says “I am a smug and disgusting human being with absolutely no self-awareness or anything resembling a grasp on reality.” OK, I’m paraphrasing a little here.

I know you might not be watching the interview along with me, but please please please make an effort to see the expression on her face at the end of this run (3:50). You’ll thank me.

4:04 – Carrie wrote the book because “Americans only heard bits and pieces” of her story as a result of – guess who? – the liberal media. Now, thanks to the conservative publishing industry, you can get the whole story about how proud she is to be a bigot.

4:13 – According to Carrie, conservative women are attacked for their beliefs. This has to stop so we can get back to attacking people for their sexual orientation.

4:30 – Carrie Prejean, First Amendment Crusader: “Since when does free speech not exist? Since when is someone able to go on national TV and call someone the most awful names you could ever call a woman and get away with it?” It may shock you to learn that this contradiction has sailed right over Carrie’s hair extensions.

4:47 – Quote from Carrie’s book: “We should earn respect and admiration for our hearts, not for showing skin to look sexy.” Meredith questions whether this is hypocritical in light of her sex tape, but Carrie smartly defends her own naughty behavior by pointing out that she is a model and a beauty pageant contestant. Wait, what?

5:14 – For Carrie, it’s all about taking responsibility for your mistakes. I think we can all agree that one good way to do that is to sue any beauty pageants that you don’t win.

5:47 – Carrie now on a run about how conservative women are unfairly attacked, and there’s a double standard. Yes, it’s true…Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean are both conservative women, and both have been “attacked,” if by “attacked” you mean “plucked from obscurity and made obscenely famous and wealthy.” Oh hey, you know what else they have in common? They’re both morons.

5:54 – Now Carrie compares herself to Michelle Obama and Sonia Sotomayor. How is she concealing those pumpkin-sized balls in such a short skirt? This is the snippet I actually saw live this morning that made me think there might be additional comedy fodder in this interview. Little did I know.

6:07 – The phrase “And that’s the reason why I wrote this book” makes its third or fourth appearance, each time in reference to a different reason. I could go back and count exactly how many times, but who gives a shit? Trust me, it was a lot.

6:33 – “[Donald Trump] came out and meeted us.” No, Spellcheck…I wasn’t trying to type “meted.” I’m transcribing something a nincompoop said on national television. Wait a minute…is it possible that Spellcheck has a bias against conservative women?

6:53 – We hear the story of the scales falling from Carrie’s eyes, as she watches Donald Trump coldly treat the Miss USA pageant like some kind of beauty contest.

7:22 – “I wouldn’t be here today had it not been for the pageant.” Hey Carrie, come in off that limb!

7:27 – The book also features a story about how pageant officials once accidentally sent Carrie to the wrong address. Sure. It was the PAGEANT OFFICIALS who couldn’t read a map. Sadly, she ended up at a children’s hospital, and not at the bottom of a very deep well.