Ben and Jerry’s New “Cormac McCarthy” Line

• Orchard Keeper Apple
• Outer Dark Chocolate
• Blood Meridian, Or the Evening Redness in the West Sorbet
• All the Pretty Heath Bar
• Cities of the Plain Vanilla
• No Country for Old Mint
• The Rocky Road

Ways Your Mom is Preparing for Thanksgiving

• Tossing the salad
• Makin’ gravy
• Stuffing the Butterball
• Having sex with your dad

Other New Exhibits at the National Gallery

According to Reuters, the National Gallery in London has put on display a seedy reconstruction of Amsterdam’s Red Light District including life-like models of scantily clad women displaying themselves in windows. On display elsewhere in the gallery:

• Edward Hopper’s Nighthawks Having Sex at the Diner
• Pablo Picasso’s Old Naked Guitarist
• Edgar Degas’ Girl With a Hat and Nothing Else
• James McNeill Whistler’s Mother’s Boobs
• John Singer Sargent’s Portrait of Madame XXX
• Leonardo DaVinci’s Mona Lisa (with “nip slip”)
• Edvard Munch’s The Scream of Pleasure
• Venus de Milo (you can totally see her you-know-whats!)

One Letter Off Movies

OK, so it was a Twitter meme…it still counts as humor:

• The Wizard of AZ
• O Brother, Where Art Thor?
• Ratman
• Ghostbasters
• Pee Wee’s Bog Adventure
• Barton Funk
• You Don’t Mess with the Lohan

And in the adult section, behind the beaded curtain:

• Revenge of the Nards
• Midnight Rub
• Superbed
• Reservoir Dongs
• The Boondock Taints

Ways to increase interest in hockey

• Introduce new puck made of papier-mâché and filled with candy and prizes
• ESPN 30-for-30 documentary commemorating tragic loss of Polish national team during spring training
• Hold exhibition game in a runaway weather balloon high above Fort Collins, CO
• Launch promotional campaign featuring A-list celebrity hockey fans Jim Belushi, Whoopi Goldberg, and Jason Priestley
• Extra-slippery ice
• Put Tuomo Ruutu, Jordin Tootoo, and Jonathan Cheechoo on a line together to generate big laughs in the play-by-play booth
• Increase maximum allowable stick curvature to ¾”, increase maximum allowable mullet length to 6 ¾”
• Distribute penalty minutes according to bodily injury inflicted:  knock out a tooth, one minute.  Slash across the glove, five minutes.  Knee to the groin, two minutes.
• Replace Jon and Kate’s eight with Washington Capitals #8 Alex Ovechkin
• Ensure high-scoring games by freezing goaltenders in the ice from the waist down
• Get it the hell off of Versus

Acceptable reasons for a guy to wear sunglasses on the subway

• Legally blind
• Just had cataract surgery
• Bug once flew into his eye and he’s been overly cautious ever since
• Is one of the Blues Brothers (original only, not 2000)
• A degenerative muscle disease has left him too physically weak to remove and place them in pocket
• Is trying to encourage his nose and ears to work together on something
• Misplaced his regular glasses and must wear prescription sunglasses until replacement pair is ready for pickup at LensCrafters (excuse only good for about an hour)
• His eyes are sensitive to the blazing bright light that is the hallmark of the New York City subway system
• Doesn’t want his mother to see the shiner the Cobra Kai gave him (Daniel LaRusso only)
• Is a jagoff